Atomic Blond

Atomic Blond

There is a special place in hell for directors of coming attractions. This movie is not just a flimsy lesbian laced donnybrook depicted in movie trailers. It has all that and more. This is a very respectable spy movie set in 1989 in Berlin when the cold war was hot. This film is more like John le Carre than Ian Fleming. There are spies, double spies and triple spies. In the absence of Bond type gadgetry, commando fighting dominates the film. Theron’s muscular fighting was impressive and exhausting. Everything was a weapon: rope, hot plates, phones and of course red stiletto heels. Theron was a one woman racking crew. Towards the end of the movie Theron was black and blue. How much was real and how much was make up? Apparently, she had real commando trading in the film and she was hurt.

The movie was a bit slow on the up take. Theron’s character is being debriefed by John Goodman (CIA) and his MI6 counterpart.  Poor Goodman looks like a deflated balloon with his massive weight loss. The narrative is a bit tedious cutting back and forth between the action and the debriefing room. It is a bit distracting. James McAvoy is a British spy with many secrets. He sleazy performance is counterpoint to his usual wholesome roles. but well done overall.

Another key player is Sofia Boutella. She is a French spy who becomes Theron’s lover. The intimate scenes are more suggestive than graphic. Her screen presence, with her clothes on, is not significant but her character is important.

In the end, this film was a pleasant surprise. It wasn’t mindless Rambo type movie of scantly glad tall blondes jello wrestling (God forbid). The plot was homage to Cold War spy movies. This was also another attempt by Hollywood to woo a female audience to action films. Whereas Wonder Woman was wholesomeness on white bread, Atomic Blond is naughtiness thickly spread on black pumpernickel. The almighty buck is asexual.

p.s.-I regret to report that Charlize Theron has a manish ass. Her butt looks like two loafs of Wonder Bread pressed together rather than the classic pear-shaped derrieres of Renaissance art and certain Latino signers. Perfection is over rated. 

The Mummy

When there are three writers on a script it is a sure sign the movie sucks, as is the case here. This movie is a mash up of “An American Werewolf in London”, “The Walking Dead” and “The Mummy (with Brendan Frasier)”. It did not have an original bone in its body, with one big exception. This is the first FEMALE MUMMY. The plot points are endless and these numb nuts writers did nothing with it. I could write a better script. To have Sofia Boutella (this is the She assassin, from the “Kingsman, The Secret Service”, with cutlery for legs) stumble around in a grey body suite with Ace bandages dangling from her limbs is a waste.

The acting was insipid. Yes, it was effortless, since no effort was made. In comparison to this schlock Curse’s the “Fourth of July “is great drama. Russell Crowe is in the movie. He is so fat he almost explodes. I think I fell asleep so I am not sure about his character.

There is a generous shot Tom almost naked with a strategically placed cloth. For a man in his fifties he looks great, toned and lean. I know how hard it is to keep an athletic body, so Tom Tom kudos.  

Rotten Tomatoes gave it a score of 15 and the movie has lost $95m. Now that’s scary!

Joey’s Script:

Nicole Kidman is standing on her balcony smoking heroin.

A silver moon bathes the humid night.

Nicole is the Madame of an upscale brothel catering to British royalty and the upper classes.

All the prostitutes are twins.

Lost in an opium haze Kidman does not notice the black fog gathering behind her.

The fog engulfs her.

Skeletal hands with black broken nails emerge from the fog wrapping around Kidman’s chest, pulling her in.

Kidman’s eyes wide open in terror as she is consumed by the fog, but too late.

Sofia Boutella emerges from the balcony wearing in La Perla lingerie and Jimmy Choo pumps holding her asp.  

To be continued…..